Overcast. Slight chance of a rain shower. Low near 55F. Winds SW at 5 to 10 mph..

Overcast. Slight chance of a rain shower. Low near 55F. Winds SW at 5 to 10 mph.

A gray squirrel watches for a chance to grab some seed from a bird feeder.

A gray squirrel watches for a chance to grab some seed from a bird feeder.

The arrival of summer brought with it a renewal of my years-long battle with the neighborhood squirrels, who seem intent on proving that they have as much right to the seeds and suet as do the cardinals, finches and woodpeckers for whom I provide it.

We have a second-floor deck that extends up into a wide sweetgum tree – truly an ecosystem unto itself – with rhododendron and yew bushes clustered underneath.

I’ve ringed the deck with a variety of feeding apparatuses – two seed feeders, a suet cage that hangs from a branch, a hummingbird feeder and, the latest addition, a device for dispensing an orange liquid that is, according to a crafty marketing department, ambrosia to Baltimore orioles (although the orioles who come by love the suet but seem indifferent to that other stuff).

We are visited regularly by a parade of woodpeckers – downy, hairy, red-bellied and the coveted pileated (think pterodactyl with feathers).

The other bird species that wander in range from the adorable black-capped chickadee to the noisy and sometimes annoying blue jay.

We get blackbirds and catbirds (apparently there really is a catbird seat), grosbeaks and mourning doves, tanagers and tufted titmice (or is it “titmouses”?).

And hummingbirds – ruby- throated and otherwise.

Chipmunks are a constant. And at night, we are at times blessed with a visit from a flying squirrel or two.

Some guests are less welcome than others. Mockingbirds are down-right rude in their relentless chattering – I guess that goes without saying – and grackles also make quite the racket while jockeying for access.

But the squirrels – aptly named, I might add – are the worst.

They descend – or ascend, as it were – upon the feeders in packs, devouring sunflower seeds and pouring smaller grains out onto the deck or ground below. (And bird seed, like everything else, has soared in price, you know.)

They dig in the flower boxes and poop on the deck railing and make a general nuisance of themselves.

And they figured out quickly that while I want them away from my deck, I don’t necessarily mean the squirrels any physical harm. So they scamper down the deck rails or leap up onto nearby limbs, staying just out of reach of my flailing arms and seemingly deaf to my sometimes-salty shouts of encouragement to exit the premises.

The only time the squirrels are cute is when they’ve gorged themselves to near unconsciousness and have sprawled across a branch, two legs drooping to either side.

But they nevertheless underestimated my determination and ingenuity.

Last summer, I invested in a squirt gun – the “Adventure Force Water Strike Tidal Storm Power Water Blaster” (comes in a three-pack, just FYI) – that proved effective, at least early on.

A few quick jets would send a squirrel scampering down the trunk of that gum tree, shaking its little head and chittering in displeasure.

Alas, my success was short-lived, as the critters figured out that it was just plain old water that I was using in my efforts to chase them away, not hydrochloric acid or day-old coffee, and they saw the experience as a short-term annoyance rather than a risk to life and limb.

On hot days, they actually seem to appreciate the gesture – stopping at a safe distance to allow me to cool them off like tourists pausing under a mister at a summer festival.

Plus, I only get a few squirts out of the pistol-sized gun.

Then I have to make my way to the spigot to reload. Sometimes I think ahead and bring a bucket of water out onto the deck.

Still, I might have a to trade up to the “Adventure Force Water Strike Typhoon Burst Pressurized One Pump Super Shot Water Blaster” – which has a larger reservoir and greater shooting range. That beauty might plunk those creatures right off a branch like tin cans in a shooting gallery.

Now, there are occasions when a hungry hawk will swoop through and pluck a gluttonous squirrel right off a feeder – providing me with a moment of all-too-realistic and somewhat gruesome assistance.

The circle of life, my wife observed after one such encounter.

My visiting daughter, upon observing my squirrelly skirmishes, said:

“You know, you could just take down the feeders. No feeders, no squirrels, no problem – right?”

What, and abdicate my duties as the preserver of winged wildlife?

I can’t have nuthatches, gold finches and downy woodpeckers nosediving into the shrubbery bed by the dozens – succumbing to a lack of seedy nutrients.

No, I’ll just keep that squirt gun loaded and maintain my vigil.

At least until I have to leave for work … knowing that when I return the feeders will be empty and I’ll start my dance with squirrels all over again.

Chip Minemyer is the editor and general manager of The Tribune-Democrat and TribDem.com, GM of The Times-News of Cumberland, Md., and CNHI regional editor for Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, West Virginia and North Carolina. He can be reached at 814-532-5091. Follow him on Twitter @MinemyerChip.

Chip Minemyer is the editor and general manager of The Tribune-Democrat and TribDem.com, GM of The Times-News of Cumberland, Md., and CNHI regional editor for Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, West Virginia and North Carolina. He can be reached at 814-532-5091. Follow him on Twitter @MinemyerChip.

Chip Minemyer is the editor of The Tribune-Democrat and TribDem.com, and CNHI regional editor for Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, West Virginia and North Carolina. He can be reached at 814-532-5091. Follow him on Twitter @MinemyerChip.

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